Saturday, December 31, 2011

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

I don't think it would come as a surprise to people when I say I'm not much of a Christmas person. It's so falsely festive and full of stress and deadlines and cookies full of sugar that makes my head hurt and my ass grow.

But what I really love is New Years Eve. Not going out specifically but just that fresh feeling you get whenever you wrap something big (like 365 days) up. When you can close the door on a year and look back and (somewhat) objectively view what has happened over the past 12 months. There's a feeling of peace I feel in knowing that the new year is just around the corner and the mistakes and trials of the past year are finally behind you.

Of course 2012 is already equipped with it's own batch of troubles but somehow, today on New Year's Eve, it all seems manageable. Oh, I know, I know, I'll be singing a different tune come March (or maybe even January 3rd) but right now 2012 seems full of promise. Full of hope.

I think 2011 was a difficult year for a lot of people and for a lot of different reasons. So many wonderful women I know experienced the breakdown of their marriages. And, oh, my heart just breaks for them. Others have seen their children in the hospital being pumped full of horrible, awful, life-saving chemo drugs. Friends have lost babies, had babies too early and struggled with their babies turning into teenagers.

Me? I went back to work and, well, it's damn near killed me. I had one hell of a nervous breakdown a few months ago and I still live in fear of another one somewhere on the horizon. I've felt torn between being a good employee, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend. I spent so much time this year trying to be all those things, all at once and finally I learned I can't.

Um, do you know how hard it is for someone like me to say "I can't"? Um, real hard (that's what she said. (sorry, i can't help myself sometimes)). I don't feel like I'm giving 100% of myself to any part of my life, but I'm doing the best I can and that's just got to be good enough.

On the flip side though, 2011 has been so amazing in so many varied ways. I began my year by losing 20 pounds and ended the year losing 10 more. I started a half marathon training program and then ran a half marathon with my amazing sister-in-law. I faced my fear of failure, by failing spectaularly and I'm still here.  The world actually DIDN'T end!  I know, it shocked me too.  I've gained confidence in myself even in spite of, or perhaps because of, my lack of perfection.

I did hot yoga! It was awful!

I made some really great friends this year (you know who you are!) and I deepened existing friendships. I've worked really hard on being honest this year in terms of my feelings and my needs and in being true to myself and not who I think others want me to be. And, instead of pushing people away, it's actually brought them closer. Who knew that a little vulnerability could go so far!

If you were to ask me 50 years from now which year I would go back and visit, I don't think I would say 2011. But, the amazing thing about this year is that all the shitty, shitty things that have happened have strengthened me, my friends, my family.     I hope you have a just the BEST New Year's Eve and I wish that 2012 is your best year yet.

Wow. I really miss writing.  I should do this more often.                                                                    

1 comment:

Sarah said...

That was beautifully written! You rock & I am sure you will totally rock 2012!! Happy New Year!!!